Franklin Merrell-Wolff conducts a memorial service for Gertrude Wolff. He presents a short biographical statement and offers a brief overview of her psychological type and character. He then goes on to give something of his own background and that of his first wife Sherifa in order to complete his commentary on Gertrude’s life and her importance to him and the continuation of his work. He insists that without Gertrude he would not have been able to produce his audio recordings and that credit is due to her for this work. Wolff continues by relating the circumstances of Gertrude’s death, his decision to withdraw her life support so she could pass peacefully to the other side, his love and gratitude for her, and his deep pain at her passing.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff begins a running commentary following the passing of his wife Gertrude by revealing his intensely personal thoughts and feelings since her death. He expresses his despair, difficulty sleeping, and loss of will to live.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by expressing his sense of complete desolation and lack of enthusiasm for life.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting a sense of rebellion and anger for having to endure this devastating loss. He discusses his lack of sleep, difficulty breathing, agony and exhaustion, and his frustration and confusion in dealing with daily living. Wolff then raises the question of compensation for renouncing the state of nirvanic bliss as recommended in The Voice of the Silence in light of his two Transcendental Realizations of August and September of 1936. Wolff comments upon the material presented in “The Mystery of Buddha” to be found in the so-called third volume of The Secret Doctrine where it is stated that the Buddha was reincarnated in a tulku form in the person of Shankara and that Shankara appeared again as Christ to face crucifixion as the karmic consequence of his suicidal withdrawal. He suggests that if he is passing through a parallelism with Shankara, then he may be experiencing his own crucifixion in the death of Gertrude involving a passage through states of feeling far greater than that of the ordinary human experience when one loses a beloved. He points out that the shock of Gertrude’s death initiated a psychological crucifixion and an enantiodromia forcing an integration of the masculine religious orientation of Vedanta and Buddhism with the feminine orientation of Christianity in its fundamental form.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by suggesting that his passage through the Via Dolorosa may not be preliminary to another Realization, but rather presages a resurrection—or in psychological terms, an enantiodromia—that could lead to the birth of another consciousness.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by discussing how her loss affects the public, professional side of his personality and the private, personal side.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by noting that the stress in manipura that he had been experiencing since her death was temporarily alleviated after reviewing one of his recorded discussions with Dr. Brugh Joy and Carolyn Conger.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting that he has decided to continue to make determinations on the basis of thought rather than gamble on a feeling function that might be unreliable in its early stages of use. He goes on to observe that some women seem to have the power, apparently connected with the quality of voice, to ease the stress in manipura. He then reports that Dr. Joy said that Gertrude’s cremation was not a painful, but a liberating experience. Wolff then insists that he will not, if possible, allow his relationship with Gertrude to be destroyed and hopes that they may pick it up again sometime in the future.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting his lack of sleep and deep inner fatigue. He describes the partial relief he gets by listening to music and his taped conversations with Brugh Joy and Robert Johnson. He goes on to review three options available to him for continuing life after Gertrude’s passing: the way of death, the way of the companion, and the way of the god. He acknowledges that he does consider death an attractive option, but goes on to discuss the way of the companion by giving details of his experience after the death of his first wife Sherifa. He then discusses the possibility of going both the way of the companion and the way of the god. He laments the shock and profound suffering of Gertrude’s sudden departure and concludes that the illumination of the mind is not enough, but that in addition the heart also must be illumined.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting that he woke up from his afternoon nap with a feeling that was free from the pain that he had been experiencing for the last six months.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting that a remnant of the pain-free state from the previous day is still present. He then describes three feeling states or conditions: the state of the elimination of pain without ananda; the state of “Gertrude-present,” which is like a “mini-ananda” located in the range of the anahata and the manipura; and the state of “Gertrude-absent,” in which there is a jittery condition in the manipura with a feeling of insecurity. He goes on to report that when in that condition he seems to unconsciously draw feminine energy from others present.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting that the previous evening he experienced the negative condition of “Gertrude-absent.”

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting a deep state of fatigue and suffering that seems to make it impossible to continue to live.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting a kind of numb state in which he could think of her absence and not feel the sense of pain.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting an impingement of the state that he calls “Gertrude-absent.”

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting an exceptionally positive day without the presence of “Gertrude-absent.” He spent the day reflecting on the challenge brought by Dr. Joy concerning the psychological possibility of there being no two opinions on the same subject among the Brothers. Wolff goes on to describe the sense of security from invasions below the rational mind that Gertrude had provided and he observes that he has felt vulnerable now that she is gone.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by noting that he misses her most on Sundays and that he feels vulnerable again.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting an impression of having had a Realization that he could not bring through to full waking consciousness because of a lack of sufficient energy. He also had the impression that he was being used to effect this for the collectivity rather than for his own individual good. He goes on to state that the Realization might indicate that he is finishing up his work and might pass in, perhaps, in the not too distant future.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff compares his experience of the richness and delight of thought with that of the richness and pain of life.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by considering the possibility that his recent Realization may have been a trial run in the death experience. He also notes that Harvey the cat has been behaving peculiarly as he did just prior to Gertrude’s death.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by discussing his trip to Phoenix in preparation for the possibility of his imminent death. He comments upon his conversation with Erma regarding the challenge brought by Dr. Joy concerning the position that no two opinions are held by the Brothers on any particular subject. He is also presented with a request to live longer which brings him a sense of assurance and security in the living process that he did not feel before.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by describing a trance-like consciousness that he imperienced in which he had the sense of Gertrude being with him. He explores the possibility that he may have succeeded in reaching into a devachanic state of consciousness and muses on the nature of Space, or Akasha, which he here calls “Gertrude.” He goes on to give a description of this state and compares the great sense of balance and freedom of choice that he feels within it to the balance required when meeting the Clear Light after death as given in The Tibetan Book of the Dead. He concludes these comments by noting a sense of deep fatigue following this eighteen-hour state of light trance.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting a light trance condition similar to the state on the 10th of March. He proceeds by making a brief reference to the notion of Absoluteness as presented in the first fundamental of The Secret Doctrine and considers the audio recording based on this material to be perhaps as profound a tape that he has ever produced. He again remarks about the cat’s cranky behavior and wonders whether he has been in a trance state for the past two days without knowing it; this because he has been unusually free from the sense of loss and rather happy in his thought process, which is characteristic of a trance state.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by discussing the nature of the “interlock” between Gertrude and himself that kept him from feeling vulnerable to outside influences and allowed him to concentrate on formulating philosophical material. He also credits the reestablishment of this interlock for the return of his capacity to manage the shift of the “butterfly switch” deliberately.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by noting that the thinker needs to have a feeling balance for “depth thinking” to be possible and suggests that the interlock with Gertrude not only brought about that balance, but also the control of the butterfly switch.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting the unusual experience of seeing his own anima. He describes her as being in a state of exhaustion from bearing a load that was too much for her. He feels that this is a warning to him to be careful not to overburden her.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting a fainting spell after getting out of a warm bath that he took to relieve the intense itching from what was possibly formic acid poisoning. He states that this itching has happened twice more and that he believes it to be the result of an attack from a hostile entity. Wolff proceeds to give an account of having seen Gertrude during an experience that he called an “inverse wink.” He then reviews the dream interpretations given by Dr. Joy and Robert Johnson questioning their analysis of the relationship between pure thought and feeling, the current relevancy of the dreams and their connection to Gertrude’s passing. He entertains the idea that Gertrude’s withdrawal was not benevolent, but engineered by a hostile power.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by sharing his heart’s pain living without her.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reading an account of a student’s dream in which he is going through the death process. He feels a sense of relief in hearing this dream and speculates on the nature of time in the inner plane. He again expresses his sadness and his weariness of life in this domain.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting a state of minor delight and fatigue. He then describes the experience of again being in communion with his anima, which he characterizes as something like being in love.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting a sense of fear and insecurity.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting a feeling of panic during the night. He acknowledges that his grip on life is not as vigorous as it had been before the departure of Gertrude, but that he is maintaining his will to live since he had been requested to do so by one of the Brothers. He describes his life since the passing of Gertrude as a journey through a desert where he is constantly threatened by psychical desolation. He reports that he has not been tempted to go into the excessive use of alcohol or the use of either psychedelic or narcotic drugs; however, he does admit that at times of desolation he has struggled with a wish to pass in legitimately, without deliberate self-destruction.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting his psychic condition three years and two months since her death. He notes that he has become accustomed to a depressed feeling and outlook, and that he has not had a temptation to suicide for some time. He confides that he continues to maintain the environment about the house, as far as possible, as though she were still living there and that he speaks to her many times each day. He goes on to report that he has not been tempted to excessive use of alcohol or to use psychedelic or narcotic drugs, that he smokes more than he has ever smoked before, that he eats less, does not sleep well, and would welcome the transition men call “death.” He then discusses the subject of suicide, his own experience with the temptation to suicide, and his good fortune in being able to avoid this fateful step.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting a condition of stress in the region of the solar plexus which produces a state of agony and an impulse to do almost anything to get away from it.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by relating the details of a short trip during which time he was free from the stressful condition in the solar plexus region. He reports that the condition has manifested more strongly since returning home. He comments that although he has not had a temptation to overeat, he notes that eating excessively can be employed as a substitute for an affectional loss due to a destroyed “relatedness.” He expresses his desire to have a practical nurse with him to keep an eye on his physical organism, noting that it would help to make life more livable since he sometimes feels that he is in a condition of confusion and his memory is not as certain as it used to be.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting a state of mental confusion while in the hospital for pneumonia and heart congestion. He expresses his sense of insecurity due to loss of memory and impaired balance, and he sees danger in continuing to live alone.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by suggesting that he is experiencing the pain of dying without realizing the delight of accomplished death.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting a severe manifestation of the stress in the solar plexus region and an imbalance in standing up and walking.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting an increased difficulty in overcoming the negative effect of the stress in the solar plexus region and a need for some real backup if he is going to be able to continue to live.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by discussing the question of maintaining conceptuality, memory, and personal relationships through the death process and between incarnations. He comments upon answers from one of the Brothers made available to these questions through Erma last November 1980. Wolff then analyzes the state of confusion following the events that took place in February 1981 in which he was hospitalized for intestinal hemorrhage, heart congestion, and pneumonia.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by contrasting the harmonious, expansive relationship that he and Gertrude had with the depressed, contractive feeling state that he experiences in her absence. He then addresses the question of to what extent these feeling states have on the quality of his thought process.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting the ongoing pain in the solar plexus region. He expresses his desire to honor the Brother’s request that he continue to live and stresses the need for someone to give him a backup.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting a certain mental fuzziness and lack of concentration in his philosophical formulation that could be due to an energetic deficiency he had not known in his work while with Gertrude.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by noting that he gets relief from his chest pain while watching the movies of trips that he and Gertrude took between 1959 and 1978.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reviewing the three possible life-courses that Robert Johnson outlined in his analysis of Wolff’s “great dreams.” He goes on to report his experience of having seen his own anima in a state of near exhaustion, which he took as a warning resulting and therefore ceased all philosophical formulation for the next nine months. He points out that he is in effect not following one of the three suggested courses, but rather a fourth course, namely, the way of solitude recommended by Dr. Joy.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting that he finds working with numbers to be a force that helps to increase mental clarity and to reduce the confusion that he has experienced since his hospitalization in February 1981. He goes on to compare the breakup of clarity in the psyche to a kind of dying while still being physically alive.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting a recurrence of the stress in the region of the solar plexus. He comments upon Jung’s interest in alchemy, which he finds irrational and disturbing. He goes on to note that he sometimes has a feeling of suffocation that he interprets as having a psychical cause. He reports having had a sense of Gertrude reaching out to him through her photograph on his desk and wonders if there is a form of communication taking place here.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by protesting Dr. Brugh Joy’s interpretation of his relationship with Gertrude as being merely emotional. He reviews the theory of kundalini yoga marking the distinction between the emotional type of feeling connected with manipura and the non-emotional feeling connected with anahata. He feels that Dr. Joy’s Tantric interpretation is an unjust characterization that does not fit the facts, which he proceeds to clarify by describing the nature of their relationship in Jungian psychological terms.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by clarifying his relationship with her. He states that he considers Gertrude his favorite, most beloved chela, and that her unquestionable support rendered possible the continuation of his work. He goes on to express his desire to once again consciously work with Gertrude during the after-death state, and not be caught in the solipsistic projections of the devachanic state, and then be with her again in a following incarnation.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by describing his relationship with her as being that of a guru-chela relationship. He acknowledges that she reinforced his work and that his debt to her is profound. He expresses his desire to be with her again both in the inner realm and then again in the outer realm in a future incarnation.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting something like a feeling of panic while shopping in town. He notes that he finds it more difficult to remain on an even keel. He feels that he could give information on the process of old age and death if he could speak to someone with psychological understanding.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by reporting a change in his usual feeling-state of pain to a relatively exalted state that was not affected by the absence of Gertrude. He has the impression that this may have been the action of anahata.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff continues his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by commenting upon his rereading of Memories, Dreams, Reflections by C.G. Jung. He notes the radical difference between Jung’s life and that of his own. Wolff then goes on to describe his interest in his approaching transition and how he has dealt with the panic and fear that the little lives of the external physical organism feel as they become aware of their impending termination.

Franklin Merrell-Wolff concludes his running commentary following the passing of Gertrude by giving a record of his psychical states and processes as he approaches the transition. He reports that there tends to be a confusion which can, however, be brought under some control by will force. He goes on to describe a process of “fractionation” or psychical disintegration connected with the dying process.